Misadventures of the Treetown Squirrels by Thomas Lipschultz Squirrels lead a simple life. They scour around the countryside gathering acorns and such before the winter each year. They can be found running around on treetops and electrical wires like individual circus acts on a tightrope. Squirrels are sure-footed and quick, and they tend to remain loyal to other squirrels. Of course, there are exceptions, as there are with most anything. But in general, squirrels lead a very happy life. Perhaps this is due to the fact that they have nothing to compete for. No squirrel is better than another, and no squirrel can do anything that another cannot (with the exception of crippled or injured squirrels, of course). Yet one must wonder what would happen if squirrels led a more complicated life. Would they attack each other? Would they die out entirely? Would they live in perfect harmony together? These questions bring us to Treetown. What is Treetown, you ask? Simple. Treetown is an underground village of talking squirrels. This village can only be accessed through a hollowed-out tree somewhere in Utah. Only the squirrels know its exact location. In this town, the squirrels talk to each other. They invent new ideas. They exchange goods and services for money and give money for jobs well done. But much unlike the human world, Treetown is an utter paradise. No squirrel harms another. No law enforcement is needed. No competition takes place. Truly, Treetown is a Utopia for squirrels. Not much could affect or pollute this Utopia. However, there was once a time when Treetown fell into utter chaos. That time has passed, but nevertheless, it could serve as a wonderful lesson to future generations of talking squirrels. No squirrel must ever make the same mistakes I am about to list. Otherwise, there's no telling what could occur. And now, as best as I am able, I shall report to you the Misadventures of the Treetown Squirrels. Screech was in charge of attaining the acorns that fall. Every year, one squirrel was assigned to go out and retrieve two thousand acorns each month until the forthcoming winter. These acorns were then to be sold to the general population of Treetown for a modest price, keeping the squirrel economy afloat. However, as Screech was about to retrieve his one- thousand-nine-hundred-and-twentieth acorn, he happened to pass by a wealthy tycoon's mansion. The tycoon, a certain Mr. Burglendon, was outside with his wife. They were pushing a rather large display rack full of clothing. It seemed as if they were headed toward the garbage cans with it. Screech stopped and decided to listen in on their conversation. "Oh, I do so despise being out of fashion, Buffy," said the wife. Mr. Burglendon looked in her direction with a cocky grin and replied, "I as well, Muffy. We should have cleaned out our wardrobe years ago!" At this, the wife gave a slight grin. "Maybe we should give it all to the poor." The two stared at each other for a few seconds, then burst out laughing. They went back into the mansion. A few minutes later, they emerged with another display rack full of clothing. Screech decided to continue on his way, but he was far too excited to gather more acorns. He decided to take what he had back to Treetown and share the news with the others. Freddy and Jimmy were quite surprised to see Screech running in through the Treetown entrance, dropping acorns behind him with each step. Normally, a squirrel would be very careful to hold the acorns securely in his paws. After all, it's rather difficult work picking two-thousand acorns a month, and every lost acorn is a few lost dollars. But Screech was not concerned with economics this time. He was far too excited about the Burglendons. Before Freddy or Jimmy could ask him what was going on, he started to speak. "Guess what, guys? Those old money-burners are throwing away their body coverings! You know, the really beautiful fabrics they usually wear? They're ours for the taking!" Upon hearing this, Freddy became quite excited. "Wow! I always wondered what I'd look like in something like that. I'd be the envy of every squirrel!", he exclaimed. Jimmy, too, seemed to like the idea. "Look, if you two will help me gather the stuff and bring it here, you can help me sell it and gain twenty-five percent of the profits apiece. Deal?" The others both nodded in agreement. "That sounds reasonable. After all, you DID find it," said Jimmy. Another squirrel was approaching the threesome, obviously curious about the cause of such excitement. Freddy noticed him first. "Greetings, Rocky. You're too late to cut in on the deal, but I'm sure Screech wouldn't mind hiring you as a salesman for a modest salary." "And what is it that I'd be selling?", asked Rocky. "Body coverings. We've hit the jackpot!" "Body coverings? Why would anyone buy body coverings? We're all perfectly happy as we are." Screech pondered this for a moment, then signalled to Freddy and Jimmy. They exited Treetown, completely ignoring Rocky's question. Rocky, taking the hint, left for his room. On the way, however, he passed by Seth and Andy, two squirrels who never seemed to like him very much. "Well well, what have we here? The carpenter squirrel?" Both squirrels laughed for a few seconds, then Andy continued. "So, carpenter, any idea why the roof of my room fell in on top of me? I barely made it out alive, you know. Cuts and bruises everywhere. It was really very traumatic." The two squirrels laughed again. When they had finished, Rocky spoke. "It was no fault of mine! That last rainstorm knocked down about fifteen roofs altogether. No feat of carpentry by a squirrel could possibly have saved your room. I'm very sorry you got injured, though." The two squirrels simply laughed again and continued on their way. Rocky watched them go. When they were out of sight, he continued on toward his room. Later that day, the squirrel population seemed to crowd into the marketplace like never before. Rumor had it that Freddy, Jimmy, and Screech were selling body coverings, and the squirrels were quite overjoyed to try something so new and strange to them. A silent observer would have noticed squirrels walking into the marketplace naked and emerging with a shirt, skirt, blouse, or pair of pants wrapped around their little bodies. Perhaps one could even find humor in this sight. The squirrels, not yet used to fashion, were stumbling, tripping, and flipping on numerous occasions. They were not in any way comfortable, but they seemed to be enjoying themselves fully. Some squirrels bought more than one article of clothing for variety. Others only bought a scrap or two. But one thing was certain: Every squirrel in Treetown was clothed by the end of the day. That is, every squirrel but Rocky. When Rocky visited the marketplace at around seven o'clock in the afternoon, he spent every last penny he had on acorns. He could not help but notice that the acorn pile was significantly larger than usual. Upon asking why this was, he received a short response from Screech. "Everybody is spending their cash on these body coverings. They're a hit! We've never made so much money before!" Rocky pondered this for a minute. "If everyone is spending all of their money on body coverings, then what will happen with the acorns? Won't the squirrels around here starve?" Screech and Freddy stared at each other and smiled. Screech then replied, "If they choose to spend their money unwisely, they will have to live with the consequences, I suppose. In the meantime, whatever we don't sell is ours for the taking!" This was trouble. Rocky seemed to be the only one who realized that. Unfortunately, though, nobody would listen to him. "Oh, you're just being paranoid," they said. "Body coverings are just a fad. In a few weeks, we'll all forget about this whole ordeal!" Time would soon reveal, however, that the ordeal was not to be forgotten. Only two days after the marketplace started carrying clothing, Rocky came face-to-face with his girlfriend, Vanessa. She seemed bothered by something, and Rocky was naturally inquisitive about the source of this mood swing. "Please tell me," he said, "what it is that's bothering you." As he spoke these words, he stared at the glimmering ball gown that Vanessa had wrapped around her body. It was of the purest blue, pieced together by small imitation diamond slivers made from a flexible plastic. She appeared disturbingly uncomfortable in it. Her walking was irregular through the soft plastic disks, and she stumbled far too often every time she attempted to move around. She stared at Rocky and began to speak. "Your decision to not wear these body coverings has resulted in a major decline in your reputation, which I'm sure you're aware of. But it's affected me, too. I've been harassed too many times to count for being affiliated with the 'Nature Boy'. I can't take much more of this. I was turned down for a job today. A very profitable job. They said it was because my boyfriend had no decency and my mind would be corrupted by his behavior. I don't want that to happen again. I think we should avoid each other as often as possible until you decide to start wearing body coverings. I will wait as long as I need to. I... I really should be going now." With Rocky in a state of shock, Vanessa got up and walked away, tripping and falling twice before reaching the door. Another three days passed this way. Rocky was shunned by everyone he met. His latest carpentry job was to repair the roof of Seth and Andy's residence. Both Seth and Andy wore tuxedos around their bodies, but even when clothed, it was quite apparent that they both had lost some weight, and they were never very heavy to begin with. The apartment, which both Seth and Andy shared, was in very bad shape. The ceiling had completely caved in, and blue sky was showing up above. If the roof weren't fixed quickly, someone could discover the location of Treetown. Rocky was quite surprised that it took the Carpentry Bureau so long to call him in. This job would last well into the night, as Rocky was aware of beforehand, so he had packed himself a plentiful lunch of acorns in a paper bag. When lunchtime arrived, Rocky opened his bag and began to eat a very filling meal. He was interrupted by Seth about halfway through. "Say, where'd you get the money for all of those acorns?" Rocky stopped eating for a second and responded. "This is no more than I usually buy. I think you spent far too much on body coverings." When Andy heard this, he jumped up from his chair and snickered. "And you spent far too little!" Both squirrels burst out laughing. The next morning, after his carpentry job had been completed, Rocky went to the Bureau to collect his salary. His boss, Rutherford, seemed disturbed. "Rocky, I'm afraid I'm going to have to fire you. I've received a total of fifteen complaints about you. That's one complaint for each job you've completed this week. You're a hard worker, but you can't keep working for us if you're not going to wear any body coverings. The sheer embarrassment of it is enough to drive away our customers. I hope you understand." Rocky was obviously not very thrilled, but there was nothing he could do to remedy this situation, so he simply mumbled a "Yes", took his final paycheck, and left. On his way home, Rocky closely watched the other squirrels who passed by him. They were all wearing beautiful body coverings, but none of them seemed very comfortable, and most of them spent more time stumbling than walking. They all stared at him as if he were crazy, and Rocky returned an identical gaze. After only a minute or two of walking, he knew that he had to get away from everyone, so he ducked into Melvin's Barber Shop. Although he was short on cash, a slight fur trim certainly couldn't hurt, and Melvin had been Rocky's friend for years. But Rocky found himself in the same position as before. A few minutes after going in, Rocky was kicked out of the barber shop. He continued his trek home, just about ready to give in and buy a few scraps of clothing. However, when Rocky got home, he was astonished to find his entire acorn stash gone. Someone had taken advantage of his absence and stolen his entire winter stockpile! Every last acorn was gone, and there were no clues whatsoever as to the identity of the culprit. Now Rocky had to return to the marketplace and use a measly one month's salary to buy just enough acorns to stay alive. On his way to the market, he passed by Seth and Andy's residence. The door was wide open, and he could see Seth inside finishing up a hearty breakfast of acorns. When Rocky got to the market, he found that the acorn pile was still rather large, but the clothing display was empty. Freddy was tending the shop alone. "Where are Jimmy and Screech?", asked Rocky. Freddy stared at him blankly for a moment, then replied, "Out getting more body coverings. Chances are, those rich know-nothings threw out more since Screech's last visit. We drew straws to see who would remain behind, and I was the unlucky one." Rocky could barely keep himself from emitting a sarcastic chuckle. Unlucky? No, Freddy was actually quite lucky for being left behind. To acquire more clothing, after everything the first batch had accomplished, would be almost sinful. Rocky gave his paycheck to Freddy, and Freddy gave him a small sack of acorns. A very large difference could be noticed between Rocky's former stockpile and this bag. But, of course, no crimes were ever committed in Treetown, so law enforcement was never established. Rocky threw the sack over his shoulder and began his journey back home. However, he didn't get very far before Screech burst frantically through the Treetown entrance with Jimmy at his heels. "It's the money-lovers! They saw us! They're heading this way, and they have guns!" Almost as soon as these words were spoken, a loud boom roared through the town. All of the squirrels gathered around the entrance. They were either afraid or curious. Jimmy quickly explained the situation to them, occasionally pausing whenever another gunshot was fired. "We went back to the mansion and found three more display racks out by the garbage cans. Freddy and I proceeded to take the merchandise, but then the rich man opened the door. He said his trash was sacred to him, and started chasing us with a gun! And he's here, now, hoping to kill us all! He and his wife are responsible for the loud booms you're hearing!" This threw everyone into a state of panic. They ran around foolishly, tripping and falling even moreso than usual. Only Rocky remained calm. He had an idea that he thought might work, and he ran as fast as his unhindered legs could carry him. He eventually reached his destination: Melvin's Barber Shop. He ran into the shop and searched all around until he happened to stumble upon a thimble full of shaving cream. He quickly scooped up the thimble and ran back to the Treetown entrance. The squirrels were still running around in a panic. They moved a few inches, then sprawled out on the ground. To everyone's immediate surprise, Rocky slowly walked over toward the entrance. When he was right in front of the ladder, he dunked his entire face in the thimble, covering his nose and mouth with shaving cream. He then discarded the thimble, let out a deep breath, and climbed the ladder. Mr. Burglendon was preparing to fire another shot when he heard his wife's voice. "Buffy! Look! I think this one has rabies!" Rocky smiled through his mask of shaving cream and ran straight toward Buffy Burglendon. Mr. Burglendon backed up a few steps, trying to aim carefully so he wouldn't miss. In doing so, he tripped over a rather large branch that had fallen from a nearby tree. He landed on his spine with a blood-curdling yelp, and the gun went flying. Rocky knew this was his chance. He ran as fast as he could and jumped on top of the gun. Muffy was flabbergasted. She ran into the woods with her arms flailing at her sides. Buffy got up, saw Rocky standing triumphantly on the gun, and decided to join his wife in retreat. Rocky had single- handedly driven out the only enemy Treetown had ever known. Much to his surprise, Rocky heard cheering coming from the Treetown entrance. He turned and saw Seth and Andy approaching him with smiles of joy on their faces. Behind them were Freddy, Jimmy, Screech, Melvin, Rutherford, and Vanessa. Most surprisingly, though, none of them were wearing any clothing. Seth was the first to speak. "Rocky! Great plan! I don't think they'll be back anytime soon. Look, Andy and I are sorry for what we've done to you. We thought you were crazy for not wearing body coverings. It turns out that we were the crazy ones. I guess it's just best to leave a good thing alone." Screech spoke next. "I can't believe I started this whole ordeal. I never meant for it to get so out of hand! I think I owe you and everyone else an apology. Fashion just doesn't work! What you look like doesn't matter, it's who you are inside that counts!" Rutherford then walked up and smiled. "Those gunshots caused some damage to the city, and I'd be honored if you'd help fix this place up. I'll even double your pay. No, I'll triple it! Anything to keep you around, Rockster!" After Rutherford finished, Melvin uttered a few words of apology. Then Rocky came face-to-face with Vanessa. "Rocky. What can I say? You saved us all with your quick thinking and your quick movement. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't have done it. Not while wearing body coverings, anyway. They're much too restricting. Perhaps we should just let the humans deal with them. Maybe they'll figure out how stupid fashion really is someday. Sorry I split up with you. I hope you'll find it in your heart to forgive me." The next day, the Burglendons were quite surprised to find a very large heap of clothing next to their garbage cans. All of the garments were intact, and not a single one was missing. They were all a bit wrinkled, and there was hair everywhere, but nonetheless, Muffy and Buffy had their trash back.