The Rook
Thomas Lipschultz 11/5/00, 12/12/00

My life is some sort of kick-ass paradox. I mean,
I'm a castle, and I can move!
It's pretty damn cool.
And I'm not all slanty-walking like those friggin' bishops,
and there are two of me, unlike that damn queen
(curse her for stealing my moves!),
and who the hell needs the knight?
He can't even walk straight!
The lazy-ass pawns are slow as crap
(and they can turn into queens, which is friggin' retarded!),
and the king has a price on his head
(though he's fun to dance with),
so it looks like I'm the top rung, the head honcho, numero uno,
I'm all that I can be in this pathetic army.
And I'm a castle, and I can move.
Nothing else in the whole friggin' universe can claim THAT!
I'm a castle, and I can move.
I'm damn smooth.
I'm bricky perfection.
So while you all pull your queens into play,
I'll just sit here in my corner paradise,
quietly knowing
that the queen's gonna die soon
and when the game ends
I'll probably still be around,
laughing at you.