Our beloved hero, a plumber only in legend, travels into the depths of his own mind. I mean, hey! Another
wacky Tom story!
by Thomas Lipschultz
8/28/01

Do I know you? How do you know? Are you the boss of me now? Are you so big? I don't think I've ever
met you, but I recognize your face. I saw it on a billboard last week, maybe for Weight Watchers or
something. Ooh, that was a low blow. Whatcha gonna do about it, huh? You gonna PUMMEL me? Turn
my face to mush? Strain my brains?

I'll tell you what you CAN do, though. You can find my amulet! It's silver with a white velvet lining, and
it's filled with poison. I dropped it last week while attempting to toss it into an orphanage and run. I now
know that when I attempt to toss an amulet, I should try to actually wrap my fingers firmly around it rather
than just palming it. And you'd think that when I drop something that big (did I mention it was big?) behind
me I could just turn around and pick it up, but no: I'm the original Mario. I can't travel backwards, I can
only travel forwards. I work in a different company every day of my life, whether they want me to or not,
and always come in the front door and go out the back. My work day consists of running, jumping,
climbing vines, smashing bricks with my head, and squishing my coworkers somehow. And I identify each
company with a level. Sony, for example, was level 4-2. And Microsoft was the elusive minus world. I got
stuck there for a long time. Then I just reset myself. Man, don't ever do that. It hurts like hell.

You'd think I'd eventually repeat my steps, since the world is round and all, but surprisingly no. Each time
I'm about to go back to where I started from, I fall down a flower pot. Well, at least, back in my day, they
were flower pots. Then somebody decided that they were pipes, and that I'm a plumber. First of all, how
the hell do piranha plants thrive in pipes? And secondly, how the hell can I be a plumber when I have no
control over my opposable digits? What do I do, put Drano on my feet and leap up and down on top of
piles of crap? I think not! I'm a professional... well... I do what I do, dammit, and isn't that enough?

And another thing: I used the phrase "opposable digits" up there. Man, what a funny phrase! I get this
picture in my head of a 2 and a 3 duking it out. The 2 is really good at stretching for long-distance hits, and
the 3 is really good at the one-two punch, earning him the name "One-Two Three." Stop groaning, you saw
it coming. And I guess the opposable digits would have to be fighting in some sort of cool action-movie
setting, so maybe they could be in a flaming helicopter, plummeting to their flaming deaths, periodically
bumping into the flaming building that's collapsing down on top of them (in flames!), with the flaming
wreckage of its flaming towers flaming past them into the flaming sea. And now I have another image in
my head, but political correctness prevents me from going into any detail. Not that there's anything wrong
with that.

Anyway, back to the digits. They need back-story. The 2, whose real name I guess could be "Boris
Mylikopf," was the helicopter pilot. He was the weather-man for channel 2 news, and he hated his job, but
had to pay child support to his slutty ex-wife, an 8 that was just too shapely for him to resist. The 3, whose
real name I guess could be "Owanaga Ignorance," is a member of the People for Open Skies and an
Environment without Raw Sewage, or "POSERS," a group of pirates who want to keep the world's
airspace clean and healthy, and somehow feel that helicopters are the worst offenders of them all, just
because they have "hel"in the title, which isn't just hell, it's MISSPELLED hell, as well as "cop," which
means they're hell-cops, as well as "pter," which is similar in spelling to the name "Peter" (and after all,
we've already seen that they can't spell), which is the name of the 3's ex-husband, who enjoyed flinging
raw sewage into the air and letting it rain down upon him while he yelled for basilisks to come and spread
his "message" -- his message of sewage -- throughout the skies. So, loosely translated, "helicopter" means
"hell-cops, like Peter," which suggests people who came from hell and patrol the heavens (ooh, what a
clash of good and evil!) in an effort to make sure there's plenty of raw sewage flying about, probably so the
basilisks have something to do ('cause I guess they're from hell too, and if nothing else, hell probably is
very strict about making sure you're kept busy).

And you'd think this would all end with 3 attacking 2 for piloting a helicopter, causing the helicopter to
crash into a building, but no! 3 did indeed attack 2, but 3 had a lighter in her pocket, because she smokes
somehow. The lighter fell out of her pocket and under the brake pedal (because helicopters have brakes),
and 2 never noticed -- he was too busy trying to stay far enough away from 3 to kick serious ass with his
long-range snap attack. The helicopter began to spiral toward a building, and 2 attempted to press the
brake pedal, but it was stuck! The helicopter collided with the building just as 2 was pressing his hardest,
and finally, he managed to get it to brake. The lighter exploded with a quick burst of an almost
inconsequential amount of lighter fluid. But it was enough to make the whole building -- the head factory
for Highly Flammable Pillows, Inc. -- burst into flames. As the digits plummeted to their deaths, they
continued to struggle bravely against one another, but alas, we'll never know who won.

It's still said, though, that if you look out your window on a dark and stormy night, you might see the
opposable 2 and 3 going at it like rabid dogs, falling to the sea below, which is still ablaze for some reason.
Only now, there's no helicopter, no building, and the digits are both NEGATIVE, using the minuses in
front of their bodies as new weapons, their eternal struggle continuing beyond the grave, in a land where
division by zero isn't just possible, it's a way of life.

Anyhoo, if you happen to find my amulet, I'll be very grateful, and maybe even be willing to demean
myself enough to say "Mamma mia" or "It's a-me, Mario!" to you. But probably not. I just want you all to
know, I NEVER said those things. And I can assure you, the people who put those words into my mouth
are very highly dead.

Oh, but wait -- if you find my amulet, how will you GET it to me? You'll have to predict my next move!
And I'm like the wind, baby. You never know where I'm gonna blow next. Wait, that's not right... let me
think about this a little more. Oh, dangit, I've worked my way through the GAP, and now I'm moving on.
Looks like a castle. World 8-4. Life is so tedious. I wonder... will I ever find a world with a -5 in it? Maybe
I'm a Buddhist. Oh crap, it's that big dumb reptile again. What was his name? Bow... Bor... BARNEY!!
Yes, that's it. Well, there's the axe... or would fireballs be better? Oh hell, I'll just let my heart decide.

My life is a lie! Tell the people!