Walter and Oswald are both dead, right? Well, I mean, you heard the story. And they SHOULD stay dead, shouldn't they? I think so. But since Vinni don Valentino has a gun to my head right now -- th, that's right, Vinni, y, you're a good boy -- I don't have much of a choice but to revive them. So, without further delay... what?! You think "adieu" would sound better, ya' freakin' mobby?! Well that's TOO DAMN BAD, 'cause I'm doin' a favor to you just by reviving them! A, a, but... b, but... Alright then, without further ADIEU, I present to you: THE RETURN OF OSWALD (Oswald IV) by Thomas Lipschultz 4/24/99 Nobody buried them. They just sat there: one of 'em in a tree, one of 'em on the ground. Both of 'em were dead. VERY dead. SHOULD BE PERMANENTLY DEAD. But instead, I gotta revive 'em. So let's see now... well, let's just say that neither one was human... and both of 'em could reproduce through full-body mitosis. Yeah, you heard me, FULL-BODY MITOSIS. What the hell is that, you say?! Well, it's when someone splits in two and becomes two people. And so Walter and Oswald both split into two people -- one of whom was dead, the other of whom was very much alive. However, there was some sort of odd problem, and both of them were actually half-people now: Walter was a left half of a person, and Oswald a right half. And when Oswald leapt from the tree to get back onto the ground, he accidentally fell over and landed on top of Walter. Before either of them could grow a second half to their bodies, they fused together into one person, with two halves that looked COMPLETELY different. From herein, that half-and-half person shall be known as Walter/Oswald, or as I prefer to call him, The Amazing Waltaswald, or TAW. And if that sounds as crappy to you as it does to me, then you can just kiss my ass and call it Berlin. Anyway, TAW was very disoriented, being two people and all. He stumbled around randomly, not quite remembering anything without associating something from the other person's mind with it. So, for instance, TAW had a strange craving for orange juice and water buffalo, tea and pork, and peanut butter and peanut butter sandwiches (that one was rather unfortunate, since they both had the same idea but in a reverse order). Anyhoo, TAW went out, bought orange juice, killed a water buffalo, burglarized a Chinese food restaurant, and stole lots and lots of peanut butter from this pervert wearing only a trenchcoat with 672 jars of peanut butter in the pockets. He felt very relieved and could run faster and flash more people after the peanut butter was gone. TAW made his way to a quaint little town called Collegeville, wherein he randomly rang the doorbell of a house known as "The Java Trench". This weirdo named Tom opened the door, mumbled something about fried shrimp and alabaster mages, then ran off. TAW laughed. It was funny.