OSWALD ][: THE NEW BATCH by Thomas Lipschultz 4/20/98 Well, back for more, eh? You should know all about Walter and Oswald by now. What's that? I hear someone in the back saying they missed it. THEY WEREN'T PAYING ATTENTION. Damn you, person in the back! Why do I even bother sometimes? I'll tell ya', no respect lately. Anyway, after their divorce, Oswald and Walter went their separate ways. Both were genuinely frightened of each other, and for some bizarre reason, believed that they were trying to kill each other. Let's just say that there were bloody knives and refrigerator doors involved, not to mention that poor neighbor woman, Thelma, may she rest in peace. What's that? You wanna hear more? Well that's TOO DAMN BAD, ya' loser! That's what you get for not paying attention! As I was saying, both Oswald and Walter were genuinely frightened of one another now. To throw Oswald off- track, Walter quit his job at the fish cannery and decided to work in a competing fish cannery in its place. He was hired due to experience, not to mention his cousin Hercules. But that's another story, to be told at another time. And if you wanna hear it now, that's TOO DAMN BAD, 'cause the guy in the back ruined it for you. See, guy in the back? You're gonna get it after I'm done. You betcha. I'll kick your ass on my own if I have to. And don't you forget it! But I digress. In his haste to switch fish canneries, Walter left his pygmy women behind, which he realized when he got the desire to do some juggling. So he returned to the first fish cannery to retrieve them, and lo and behold, saw Oswald entering the factory, brandishing a Taisho sword. Luckily, Oswald didn't spot him, so he hid behind a tree. Ironically, the man entering the cannery wasn't Oswald at all, but rather Oswald's twin brother Iswald, who was hired as a diversion so Oswald could murder Walter, which I suppose makes it seem slightly less ironic, but I still think it's irony, even if those truckers next to the guy in the back disagree with me, ya' lousy rednecks! Anyway, to make a long story short, Oswald was waiting in the very tree Walter was hiding behind, and had a really clear shot at Walter with his sapphire musket, but in something which only those lousy truckers would call irony, Oswald died of natural causes while sitting in the tree, and when Iswald noticed this, Iswald killed Walter with his sword, but then accidentally tripped over a Fig Newton (not just a cookie!) and impaled himself as well. So now Walter, Oswald, and Iswald are all dead. How tragic! OK, I'm done now. Goodbye, and I sure hope that guy in the back and all those truckers are strong and able to stand up for themselves. Hey, what are you doing? OW! Stop it! OUCH! OOH OOH OOH OOH AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!! OK, stop it, OW! Ummm, the-thee-a-the-thee-a-the-that's all, folks! OW!