OSWALD by Thomas Lipschultz 4/17/98

     Every day, Walter would walk through Boston on his way
to work. Where he worked is irrelevant, and even why he was
walking instead of driving there is irrelevant. Let's just
say, for argument's sake, that he worked in a fish cannery
and walked because his 1951 Ford kept breaking down and he
figured it'd be worthless to try to fix it nowadays. Sound
good? NO? Then get the hell out!
     Oops, sorry. Outburst. Won't happen again, I promise.
Anyway, like I said, it's irrelevant, and even if it WERE
relevant, I sure wouldn't tell YOU now. Hmph. But, I keep
getting off-track. Some people, boy, I'll tell ya'...
     ANYWAY, Walter would walk through Boston on his way to
work every day. One day, he saw a BEAUTIFUL WOMAN dressed all
in red leaning against the wall of a nearby tailor shop.
However, Walter could only see her back side, for she was
leaning against her elbows staring into the brick wall.
Still, she was a vision, even if he could only see her hair,
back, legs, and buttocks. He wanted to approach her, but
couldn't work up the courage. So he went on his way.
     The next day, he saw the same woman in the same spot.
And the next. And the next. And the next. And the next three.
And the next five after that. And the next seventy-two after
even that. And the next three-hundred-seventy-nine after the
seventy-two after the five after the three after the three
ones. Damn, she had no life. Still, he wanted her. He wanted
her BAD.
     One day, a mysterious stranger showed up in his
workplace, which I believe I deemed to be a cannery or
something, but like I said, that's irrelevant. You'll see why
at the end. What, you want to know now? Well THAT'S TOO DAMN
BAD! So ha, I'm the storyteller, I have the ULTIMATE POWER!
MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! ... Ouch! What was that
for, buttmunch? Sheesh. Fine, I'll get back to the story.
Happy now? Idiot. Ouch! Oh, OK, here's the story.
     One day, a mysterious stranger in a black blazer showed
up in his workplace. He introduced himself as Oswald, Keeper
of the Heart. Walter figured he was some kinda screwball, but
then Oswald mentioned the "backwards red woman at the tailor
shop," and Walter immediately stopped juggling his collection
of captured pygmy women and gave his full attention to
Oswald. Oswald said that if Walter wanted to, he could spin
the woman around and she'd give him a big wet kiss and be his
forever. Walter said WOW, and went on with his day.
     The next day, Walter couldn't quite work up the courage,
so he just walked to work again. And the next. And the next.
And the next nine-hundred-forty-three. And the next six-
hundred-million-five-hundred-ninety-two-thousand-seven-
hundred-eighty-four after the nine-hundred-forty-three after
the three ones.
     Then he worked up the courage one day. He walked up to
the woman and spun her around. That's when he realized that
she was just Oswald in drag. Oswald grinned.

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