MI CASA ES SU REVOLVER
a really disturbingly weird and possibly annoying but
also rather short and therefore not so bad so please bear
with it play
by Thomas Lipschultz 12/29/98

Cast of characters:
* Herman Melville, the garbageman
* Marsha Melville, the garbageman's wife
* Heavy Bob Klosnewskivewitz, Herman and Marsha's daughter
* Abe Racadabra, a travelling mad scientist
* the director (must be played by the director)
* Police Chief Dax (can be male or female)

Oh, did I mention that that's supposed to be read aloud by
the director?

Pre-start settings: an area with a few chairs should be set
aside and marked off as "Penalty Box". There should be a
round table with at least 4 chairs seated around it center-
stage. Each actor/actress MUST contribute one prop to be
placed on the table for use in scene five. What it is and how
it's used is completely up to him/her, and indeed, who
uses it and how S/HE uses it is completely up to the
entire acting party. However, each prop MUST be used AT LEAST
ONCE during scene five. Heh heh heh...
Also, if people try to get up out of their seats during the
course of the play, all actors/actresses are encouraged to
interrupt the play and send them to the "Penalty Box" (unless
they persist otherwise).

DIRECTOR: Note to the audience: no matter what happens, big
or small, you are all to remain seated during the course of
this play (unless, of course, there's some sort of emergency
that requires your efforts, but it better be a DAMN good
reason). In addition, please note that scene five of this
play will be almost complete improvisation by the entire
acting party. They will be supplied with the scene five
script, which not a single one of them has yet seen,
immediately prior to the start of scene five. They have been
instructed to follow that script as closely as possible
without pause, and have also been told to utilize the props
which you see before you on this table, which have been
contributed by each of them. <pats table> There are also
several scenes during the course of the play which require
improvisation on various actors' or actress' parts.
Hopefully, none of you will be able to tell when these
scenes occur. <short pause>

DIRECTOR: That having been said... SCENE THREE.
Props: Herm, Mar, Bob, and Dax are seated around a table.

HERM: Damnit, Chief! How do we get him out of the basement?
DAX: I can go down there and arrest him, I suppose...
BOB: Yeah, but he said he was doin' some weird dimensional
     crap, and that anyone who went down there would be --
DAX: (interrupting) warped to another dimension, I know.
MAR: So aren't you just the teensiest bit concerned, Chief?
DAX: Why should I be? This dimension sucks, so why not go
     somewhere else?
HERM: 'Cause somewhere else might suck just as much.
DAX: Point taken. Say... <pause> <points to someone else from
     the acting party at random> where'd you get that scar?
PERSON POINTED TO: <improvisation>
DAX: Ah, I see. Sorry to bring it up!
PERSON POINTED TO: <improvisation>
PERSON TO THE RIGHT OF PERSON POINTED TO: <improvisation>
PERSON POINTED TO: <improvisation>
DAX: <improvisation -- first letter of first word must begin
     with the last letter of the last word spoken by Person
     Pointed To>
PERSON ACROSS FROM PERSON POINTED TO: OK, I think that's
     going a bit too far, Chief.
DAX: Yeah, you're right. Sorry.
MAR: So it's settled then. Chief Dax is going into the
     basement.
BOB: Yes, it's settled.
HERM: Definitely settled.
DAX: Yeah, I'm going. <gets up and walks toward the basement>

DIRECTOR: SCENE TWO.
Props: Herm, Mar, and Bob are seated at the table. Doorbell
       rings.

BOB: I'll get it! <gets the door and waits -- it's Dax>
HERM: Police Chief Dax, I presume?
DAX: That's my name, don't wear it out.
HERM: I'm Herman Melville.
DAX: Wow, THE Herman Melville?!
HERM: Yep. <pause> Herman Melville, mayor and namesake of the
      city of Melville.
MAR: Not only mayor, but also garbageman!
HERM: I like to give back to the people. Or take from them,
      as the case may be. I work for Moby Dick's Garbage
      Service.
DAX: Well now, this is quite an honor! <puts hand out for
     Herm to shake -- Herm shakes hand vigorously. Dax then
     examines his hand carefully, and slyly wipes it off
     behind his back.> So then, is this the wife?
MAR: Marsha Melville. Thewife is my middle name, not my
     first.
DAX: Ah, I see. And who's this charming little number?
BOB: I'm their daughter, Heavy Bob Klosnewskivewitz. My name
     used to be Amy Melville, but I had it changed.
DAX: Why?
BOB: 'Cause Heavy Bob Klosnewskivewitz is my hero! She's that
     awesome 3-year-old Vietnamise lesbian prostitute
     superheroine from the 60s, who always wore that
     Superman-esque shirt that said "Stay In School" on it.
DAX: <improvisation -- cut short by Dax grabbing his/her
     chest and falling down as if from a heart attack.
     Make it kinda phony-looking so as not to startle
     audience members to the point where they actually DO
     have a heart attack. All actors must react as if this is
     not part of the play>
DIRECTOR: <frantic> A... uh... somebody call 911! This is NOT
          supposed to be happening!
<anyone who catches an audience member getting up, or
reaching for a phone, or in general doing anything to remedy
the situation should immediately get his/her attention with a
"HEY! YOU!! STOP!!!" or something of the like -- if it
doesn't work, go over to him/her and tap on his/her shoulder
or something. Repeat for everyone involved, and guide them to
the "Penalty Box" and tell them all to sit down, using a line
such as "I thought our director told you not to get up from
your seat!" After about 30 seconds, the character playing Dax
should get up. If no one is in the "Penalty Box", s/he should
pick a random audience member and say "Hey, you! I know you
were thinking about getting up to call 911, and our director
told you not to get up out of your seat for any reason -- go
to the 'Penalty Box' and sit down!" Be aggressive, fair Dax!
If that doesn't work, pester him/her until concession is
achieved!>
DAX: <after the whole mess dies down> That was a test of your
     loyalty, you naughty audience you. And don't think s/he
     <point to person from the "Penalty Box"> is the last
     one, either. Many more of you will follow. I'll make
     sure of it. Mwa ha. Mwa ha ha. Mwa ha ha ha.
DIRECTOR: <in a bad English accent> Oh, get on with it
          already!
DAX: Very well. <full attention falls upon the play again>
     So what seems to be the trouble, Mr. Melville?
HERM: A mad scientist knocked at our door, and when we
      let him in, he --
DAX: <interrupting> You let him in?!
HERM: Yes, well, um... <improvisation>
BOB: <improvisation>
MAR: <improvisation>
HERM: <improvisation -- yelled, directed at Mar, then
       quiet and apologetic, directed at Dax>
DAX: Ah, I see. Please continue.
HERM: Anyway, we let him in, and he said his name was Abe,
      I believe. Abe Racadabra. And he made a beeline for
      our basement door, and said something about turning
      our house into a --
MAR: <interrupting> -- a revolver. He wants to destroy
     Djibouti, or Russia, or --
BOB: <interrupting> -- or something.
MAR: And he likes to work with other dimensions.
DAX: Uh, OK... <pause> Shall we sit down and discuss the
     situation?
HERM: Uh, yeah, let's.
     <everybody sits down at the table, a la the beginning
      of scene 3 -- the previous scene>

DIRECTOR: SCENE ONE.
Props: Herm, Mar, and Bob are sitting at the table. Dax is
       gone. The doorbell rings.

<everybody stands and walks toward the door simultaneously>
BOB: I'll --
HERM: -- get --
MAR: -- it!
<they look at each other with the evil eye, then Herm and Mar
sit down again -- Bob gets the door -- it's Abe!>
ABE: Greetings, Earthlings!
BOB: <stage whisper> Abe! What are you doing here?!
ABE: <stage whisper> Putting our plan into action, baby! Soon
     we'll be able to scorch Djibouti and build a house
     there, just for the two of us!
HERM: <gets up> Greetings, stranger! <walks over to Abe>
      <stage whisper> You're here to destroy Russia, right?
ABE: <stage whisper> You betcha, boss. I know how quickly you
     need this done. If Russia's wiped out, I can get the
     Russian mafia off your ass.
HERM: <winks left eye and gives a brief "thumbs up" signal>
      <far too loud and exaggerated> Why, you say your name
      is Abe Racadabra? Pleased to meet you! <shakes hand
      vigorously>
ABE: <wipes hand behind back very slyly> You as well! And
     who's the lady? <signals in the direction of Mar>
MAR: <gets up> Marsha Melville. Charmed, I'm sure. <walks
     over to Abe> <stage whisper> You're here for Russia
     and Djibouti, right?
ABE: <looks surprised> <stage whisper> You know?
MAR: <grins> <walks back over and sits down>
HERM: <grabs Abe and turns him to his direction> So, you
      say you're here to fix our basement? Why, Bob, would
      you please show this gentleman to our basement?
BOB: Sure thing! <leads Abe to the basement> <improvisation>
ABE: <improvisation, while walking>
BOB: <improvisation, while at the basement door>
MAR: <yelling toward Bob> I heard that!
BOB: <grins> Now this basement door always sticks, so
     somebody else is gonna have to open it. Maybe a
     penalized audience member or something.
     <if audience member doesn't take a hint, Herm is
     obliged to go get one of 'em and have him/her open the
     basement door>
ABE: <exits to basement> <yells from basement> Of course, you
     all know that I plan to destroy the whole world, not
     just a few puny countries! Mwa ha! Mwa ha ha! I can rule
     the world by being its only inhabitant, and your house
     can be the murder weapon!
HERM: <with a start> But it's only supposed to be Russia!
      Er...
BOB: <in the middle of Herm's sentence> No, only Djibouti!
     Um...
MAR: <grins>