ASK J. D. SALINGER Volume 1 Number 2F04 by J. D. Salinger, special to the Collegevillain compiled by Sergio Amonticello, First-Born Futon Editor's note: This is just a test. If this had been an actual emergency, you'd be dead by now. Dear Mr. Salinger, Please help me... I'm so confused... My girl... My girl has been abducted by aliens... I saw the light from my window... I was frozen... and then... and then she was gone... and now I fear that these beings, these "Lunts", are gonna come back... They'll come after me... They'll probe me... Oh God, please help me! Paranoid in Panama Dear Paranoid, Boy meets girl. Jupiter gets girl. The word the Greeks had for it is not very different from ours, but the Lunts juggle it around so cleverly that the illusion remains. J. D. Salinger Dear LOSER, I'm through with you, you !@#$head! You're the !@#$%^&*!@#$%^&* I've ever !@#$ed! Why the !@#$ did I ever even DATE you, you !@#$ing !@#$er?! Have a nice life! I'll be laughing at you in the gutter one day! !@#$ you! Your !@#$ing Ex-Girlfriend Dear !@#$, I know you don't love me. You've returned the ring.... It was only your youth... Of course... Merely a fling. But if you must laugh -- please, not so hearty. Control your candor. I'm still an interested party... Jerome "Peachypoo" S. Dear J. D. Salinger, I feel I've become too sarcastic and witty for my own good. I'm afraid that no one can possibly be more bitter than I about the futility of life and love. My one romantic prospect is a cute redhead whose interest in me wavers with each passing chide from our coinciding group of friends. Please show me that I'm not alone. Double S Dear SS, I am disappointed in love. Life no longer holds any of its goodies for me. Nowadays I only talk to people to annoy them by staring at their moles or warts. I seldom go to the movies; and when I do, it is to chew hard candy, rattle my program, and jar feeble old ladies' hats. I find myself visiting people solely to scatter their talcum powder and laugh at the pictures in their family albums. I throw tomatoes at all small children resembling Shirley Temple. Every night at twelve o'clock I creep out of bed, tiptoe over to my roommate's bed, and proceed to jump up and down upon the defenseless fellow's stomach. J. D. Salinger J. D. Salinger's email escapades: To: jesalinger@ursinus.edu From: MrX@psu.edu Subj: You're a looney! JDS: I think you're going insane, man. Your responses are making less and less sense every week. I'm a college student too, and if I were to write into MY column, "Ask Herman Melville", I know I'd get a much more helpful response (though admittedly, a much more BORING response as well). Think of the people who write in! Don't you realize that they're trying to actually BENEFIT from your advice? To: MrX@psu.edu From: jesalinger@ursinus.edu Subj: Re: You're a looney! Mr. X: Thought so. Heh! heh! Larry -- that's my oldest boy -- he goes to college too. Plays football. You play?