ASK J. D. SALINGER Volume 1, Number 2F03 by J. D. Salinger, special to the Collegevillain compiled by Sergio Amonticello, Kleenex Spokesman Editor's note: Swallowing gum may be fun, but never try to make a living that way. Trust me. It doesn't work. Dear J. D. Salinger, You've helped so many of us solve our deepest problems. We feel very indebted to you here at Ursinus College, and would love to know a little more about you. I know you live in seclusion and all, but could you perhaps give us some insight into your personality, if only in the form of a short anecdote or something? I know we'd all appreciate it. Sleepless in Pfahler Dear Sleepless, Once there was a young man who was tired of trying to grow a moustache. This same young man did not want to go to work for his Daddykins -- or any other unreasonable man. So the young man went back to college. J. D. Salinger Dear J. D., Wismer's milk is so watery! I used to love drinking milk, but now it's like a chore. Is there any possibility that Wismer will one day realize the err of its ways and enthicken the milk? English Mayjor Dear Mayjor, Faith, Hope, and Watery Milk... Of the three, I will take Thicker milk. Since there is no Thicker Milk, Give me a little Hope. J. D. Salinger Dear Mr. Salinger, I fear the end of the world will occur soon. December 15th, to be exact. What should I do to prepare for this catastrophe? Conspiracy Theorist Dear Theorist, There are only sixty-nine more shopping-days. Do it early this year. J. D. Salinger Dear JDS, The painting from our common-room area was missing when I left for Maui two weeks ago (I dropped out, but that's not important). I don't know whether it's been found, and rather than calling my former roommate, I decided to write in to you instead and ask if you had any info on this mystery. Fresh Samantha Dear Samantha, John Barrymore, as a goofy politician, stole the picture from beneath everybody's silly nose -- and probably gave it back. J. D. Salinger