ASK J. D. SALINGER Volume 1 No. 2F02 by J. D. Salinger, special to the Collegevillain compiled by Sergio Amonticello, A Crime of Humanity Editor's note: There seems to have been some minor confusion regarding this column last week. So, to clarify, I'd like to point out that the answers to these questions were, in fact, written by J. D. Salinger in the year 1938 as part of The Ursinus Weekly. The editors of The Ursinus Weekly, however, failed to realize that there were, hidden within his fantastically sarcastic articles, answers to all of life's burning questions. Thus, the Collegevillain has taken this opportunity to set the record straight. So, without further ado, we present the second batch of questions! Dear Mr. Salinger, I've recently become insanely infatuated with Dr. Jon Volkmer's story "The Elevator Man." I feel it's one of the greatest short stories mankind has ever known. But every time I try to tell him how great he is, he gets embarrassed and humbly denounces himself. How can I let him know what a great writer he is? APE #37 Dear APE, Remember, dearie. No one is perfect. Love is strange and beautiful. Ardor is to be admired. Have you tried kissing him? J. D. Salinger Dear J.D. Last Friday, I went to a Reimert party and was HORRIFIED at what I saw there. Beer was flying everywhere, sex was rampant, beach balls and the like hitting me in the head... it was a madhouse, I tell you! Now I have to give a campus tour, and I feel I have a moral obligation to inform my group of the goings-on in this hall of sin. How can I give the whole Reimert party scene a more positive connotation, yet still inform prospective students of its horror? UCF #37 Dear UCF, Those mob-scenes Hollywood so loves to over-do are pleasantly scarce. And not one female was directed to take a milk-bath. J. D. Salinger Yo Jerome Davey S, Wuzzup wit'chu, man? I hear "Antigonye" or some such Roman-Greek play is commin. I got no love for the theatr, ya'know? Should I go see it, or just pump up da' volume on my kickin' Hanson CD and sit it out? Homeboy #37 Dear Homeboy, The show is girly-girly; the costumes, among other things, are well worth the trouble of bringing along your spectacles. J. D. Funkmaster S. Dear J.D.S., Dr. Goetz rocks. His philosophy course is fun, and he himself is witty enough to make a British Royal Guard laugh. The problem is, I'm failing his class. I try to pay attention, but I always find myself staring at his mouth. There's a sparkle, every now and then, that mesmerizes me. No matter how much I try to avoid it, I always get sucked in by its awesome glint. What should I do? Trepe Groupie #37 Dear Groupie, Students who want good marks should not stare at professors' gold teeth. J. D. Salinger