Ja Iya (for three readers) by Thomas Lipschultz 7/1/99-7/2/99 "Yo Georgey!" "Yeah Paul?" "What do you get when you send an American, a Japanese, and a German to change a lightbulb while in A-bomb training?" "Uhh, I dunno, what?" "The end of the world!" "... I don't get it." "Well then, I guess acclaimed dead author Herman Melville will have to explain it to you! Mr. Melville, if you would..." Gladly, Paul! Hi everyone, I'm Herman Melville. You may remember me from such stories as "Moby Dick" and "Bartleby the Scrivener." Though I'm no longer alive, my sense of humor certainly is, and that's why I developed this -- the thinking man's punchline. People always accuse me of being too serious, and whenever I defend myself against such wild slander, some smart aleck always asks me to tell a joke. My response is, invariably, "I would prefer not to." Said response is, in itself, a joke. But no one ever seems to get it, and usually someone throws a soda can at me. Well, NO MORE. This joke is, barnone, the funniest ever written. Once it's been told, in its entirety, all the world will be chanting "Oh Herman Melville, you're the funniest intellectual ever to grace the fiction scene." And I will laugh. I will laugh and laugh, for their comments will remind me of this wonderful joke I am about to tell you. Firstly, the question: what DO you get when you send an American, a Japanese, and a German to change a light bulb while in A-bomb training? Secondly, the answer: the end of the world. And thirdly, and finally, the explanation, for those of you who are unintelligent and cannot alone surmise the meaning of my beautiful interplay of cultural and situational comedic elements. Now, to begin with, you need background information about this "A-bomb training." Let's just say that there's a switch. A red switch. Surrounded by lots of high-tech doohickeys. This switch is our focus. Our central point. The whole of this joke centers around this hellish switch. Let the switch engulf you. Let the switch become you. Be one with the switch. For this switch dictates whether you live or you die. It is everything. It is nothing. It is death. It is life. But most importantly... it is judgment. (laughs maniacally) At any rate, this central, all-encompassing switch connects to a group of wires which are set to detonate all the world's nuclear devices at once. Some call it the Gaia panic button. Others, the stupid button that should never have been made. In sheer ironic truth, they're both right. An American man named John Bates is assigned the tireless duty of guarding this button. As representatives of their countries, two other officers are assigned to him by NATO: a German man by the name of Hans Frankenstein, and a Japanese man by the name of Akira Gojira. These men both speak fluent English, but in each case, English is but a foreign tongue. And so their fate begins afrightingly. John gives out his assignments to the officers: Akira is told to man the safety switch -- a small blue lever a few feet away from the horrid red switch. Should that diabolical red switch be thrown whilst the blue safety is on, not a single A-bomb would be detonated. Likewise, Hans is told to man the terrifically detonatable red switch. Shouldst the word be given, Hans will end the world with no questions asked. John feels pleased with this arrangement, though of course he has no reason to since it's actually pretty damn ignorant. His only objection to it is the lack of lighting in the room. The switches are color-coded so that mishaps can be easily avoided. However, with a single 20-watt bulb lighting the football field-sized detonation chamber, this security measure would most likely prove ineffective. John, of course, has the perfect solution: replace the 20-watt bulb with a 40-watt bulb. The lighting from said 40- watt bulb should prove adequate and prevent the accidental genocide of the human race. John stations his two officers at their designated areas and explains to them what I've explained to you. He then informs them that a routine practice will be forthcoming as soon as the lightbulb is replaced. Akira will throw the safety, and then Hans will proceed to mimic the doom-sealing action of red switch detonation. And so John drags a nearby ladder into the center of the room, 40-watt bulb in hand. He successfully climbs to the top, unscrews the 20-watt bulb, and replaces it with its doubly-illuminating counterpart. Just at the peak of renewed Edison-endowed brightness, Akira and Hans yell questions to the ladder-footed man: "Should I throw the safety?" "Should I detonate the blood-red switch of doom?" John, startled by the sudden barrage of questioning and 40-watt light, stumbles. He grabs the ladder to keep from falling, but instead brings the ladder down on top of him. As it cascades to the ground, dooming him to a painful metallic crushing, he yells incoherently in fear: "YAAAAAAAH!" Thinking this their answer, both officers act accordingly: "Nihongo de, iya wa iya da." "Auf Deutsch, ja ist ja." And so the world explodes in a brilliant cascade of mushrooms. The insects rejoice: their millennia of language altering and NATO forming have finally given them the world to do with as they see fit. And so the greatest joke mankind has ever known draws to a close. I'd wish you all goodbye and good day, but in all likelihood, you're laughing too loud to hear me. Nonetheless, I need self-gratification, so this is Herman Melville wishing you all goodbye... and good day. "You get it now, Georgey?" "Uhh... no, not really." "What are you, an idiot? In German, ja means yes. In Japanese, iya means no. It's a brilliantly-crafted joke." "Oh, OK. I get it now." "And?" "It's... not funny." "What?!" "It actually kinda sucks." DAMN YOU ALL!!