HERMAN'S TRIP TO HELL -- a Choose Your Own Adventure story by Thomas Lipschultz 12/2/98 1. Herman was a jackass. I mean, a real, honest-to- goodness, jackass. He found Tiny Tim to be an annoying little whiner, so he shot him. He saw pigeons in the park, so he fed them cyanide bread. He saw the Pope at some fancy-shmancy gathering, so he dressed up like a policeman and told the doorman to let His Holyness know that his wife had died. We're talking THAT kind of jackass. Anyway, one day, Herman was driving down the road, and he was approaching a four-way intersection which crossed Damnation Rd. with Darn St. Suddenly, he noticed that the road in front of him -- his usual path -- was closed! There was a detour sign with an arrow on it pointing right. However, someone had taken a black magic marker and drawn a left arrow on the sign as well. Which way should Herman go? (if right, goto 2) (if left, goto 3) 2. Since the real arrow is probably a safer choice, Herman decided to turn right. As he passed by several unfamiliar landmarks, he decided to roll down the window and catch some fresh air. He drove by some workers slacking off on the side of the road, and caught a brief segment of their conversation: "...glad we corrected the sign. This abandoned minefield could be a danger..." This worried Herman a bit, but since he was a jackass, he was very cocky and thought himself to be quite invincible. This was disproven a second later when he was blown into tiny chunks. As he was descending through the ground in an incorporeal state, he thought to himself, "damn, that was a horrible way to die. I'd have MUCH prefered to, say, get hit by a flaming Mack Truck than BLOWN TO CHUNKS." (goto 4) 3. Ah, to defy the detour -- what a simple pleasure for a jackass! It actually seemed to be going in the right direction, though. What a lucky break! So Herman was motoring along, minding his own business, when he saw in the distance that something was on fire. "Aw, man, something's on fire, and I DIDN'T START IT! I'm SOOOO mad!" His anger subsided in a few seconds, however, when he realized that the flaming object in the distance was a Mack Truck. In his lane. And when he hit it, he very quickly became a disfigured, heavily dead person. As he was descending through the ground in an incorporeal state, he thought to himself, "damn, that was a horrible way to die. I'd have MUCH preferred to, say, get blown to chunks than HIT BY A FLAMING MACK TRUCK." (goto 4) 4. Eventually, Herman reached the gates of Hell, where Paint Seter, a hideously deformed demon holding a staple gun, was waiting for him. "Name, please," said Paint Seter. What should Herman respond with? (if "Herman Malatori", goto 5) (if "Jack Samuel", goto 6) 5. "Damn you, Herman, why do you need to lie?! You're in Hell, after all -- we KNOW when you're lying!" It was true. Herman's last name was NOT Malatori. "Now you have to face the music, Herman -- REDEATH BY STAPLING!" Seter held up his staple gun, and repeated himself: "Face the music, Herman..." Suddenly, behind him, Herman heard Mozart music. What should Herman do? (if face the music, goto 7) (if face the staple gun, goto 8) 6. "Ah, the sinner tells the truth! Because of that, I won't attack you with my staple gun." Herman sighed with relief. It was good of him to NOT use his middle name, Herman, but instead use his full first and last name, Jack Samuel. "I won't attack you with my staple gun... I'LL DO SOMETHING MUCH WORSE!" Herman felt himself being thrust up into the air. "How dare you be honest in Hell! Now, I banish thee to INNER HELL!" Herman landed very heavily on a large stone spike. It hurt. As he was re-dying, he thought to himself, "hey, look -- it's my spleen!" (goto 9) 7. Herman turned around to find out what was playing Mozart, exactly as Paint Seter commanded. Apparently it was a one-eyed one-horned flying purple people eater -- with a fife! And a rather orchestral one, at that! People eaters may not seem very scary, but that's only because of the song. If you actually saw one, you'd be scared out of your mind. "So you're a smart-aleck too, eh? Cool, two sinful qualities just since you've been here! You have the opportunity now to go further into Outer Hell rather than falling into Inner Hell. All you have to do is kill the people eater!" Herman was about to ask what Outer Hell and Inner Hell were, but then he heard the Mozart music again, and became very afraid. (goto 10) 8. Herman stood his ground. "I will face the music, you foul demon you!" Paint Seter frowned. "You took me metaphorically rather than literally. I was hoping you'd turn out to be a smart-aleck! Oh well. I suppose now I have to re- kill you. But don't think your trip to Hell is over! Now, you merely go FURTHER into Hell... to INNER HELL!" Seter fired his staple gun. Surprisingly, however, it wasn't loaded with staples, but with very angry crocodiles. Herman felt himself being punctured by very sharp teeth. His last thought before his redeath was "ow." (goto 9) 9. Herman woke up in a much hotter and drearier place. Sitting by yet another gate, much more threatening-looking than the previous gate (which, if he recalled, was made of some kind of polymer), was Sainr Petet, another grotesquely deformed demon. This one was holding a very small rubber chicken. "Welcome to Inner Hell, traveller. We offer three hotels, each of which received less than one star by every dead hotel reviewer who's ever been a sinful jerk. We also offer the Pit That Goes Even Deeper Into Hell, or PiThaGEDIH. You probably want to avoid the PiThaGEDIH, though I doubt you'll be able to for very long, since all paths eventually lead there. Now, choose your path carefully, traveller!" Herman looked around. In a semicircle around him were three hotels, each of which looked rather normal, yet eerily out-of-place. Way in the distance, beyond the gate, he saw a large field with some sort of hideous creature floating above it, and in the middle of it was a large crater -- the PiThaGEDIH. What should Herman do? (if go to the first hotel, goto 11) (if go to the second hotel, goto 12) (if go to the third hotel, goto 13) (if try to go to the PiThaGEDIH area, goto 14) (if try to punch out Petet, goto 15) 10. Herman turned to face the people eater. A voice screamed from above: ROUND ONE -- FIGHT! He noticed that three "weapons" were placed at his feet: a pencil eraser, a frying pan, and a Martin Lawrence mask. He had to grab one and act VERY quickly if he intended to destroy this monstrosity of unnature. Which "weapon" should Herman pick up? (if the pencil eraser, goto 16) (if the frying pan, goto 17) (if the Martin Lawrence mask, goto 18) 11. Herman walked into the first hotel, and was followed by Sainr Petet. Once he stepped inside, and later woke from his temporary state of unconsciousness in the basement on top of a pile of bodies, he realized that the hotel had no floors nor ceilings -- just walls. "Um, Mr. Demon, sir, how am I supposed to get out?" "Well, traveller, there's a trampoline in the corner, if you'll notice. And against the back wall leans a tramp, if she might be of any assistance." What should Herman do? (if try the trampoline, goto 19) (if talk to the leaning tramp, goto 20) (if try to punch out Petet, goto 15) 12. Herman walked into the second hotel, and found that the lobby looked quite the same as any other hotel lobby -- except that instead of rugs, this hotel had pools of boiling lava. The door shut and locked behind him -- but not before Sainr Petet made his way inside. A concierge approached Herman and Petet. "Excuse me, Sainr Petet, but do you mind if I kill your friend here?" "No, not at all! Traveller, what say YOU?" Herman realized that this particular situation really was NOT very good. What should Herman do? (if let the concierge kill him, goto 21) (if jump into the lava, goto 22) (if try to punch out Petet, goto 15) 13. As Herman stepped into what he thought was the third hotel, the scenery around him vanished, and was replaced by that of a minefield with a flaming Mack Truck approaching him. "Damn, not again!", he thought. Well, he actually only managed to think up "Damn, not a--" before he was simultaneously blown up and crushed. (goto 23) 14. "Uh, excuse me, Mr. Demon, sir, may I please go through the gates into the PiThaGEDIH area?" "Certainly, traveller! Any help I can provide to make your redemise as much your choice as it can be I'm HAPPY to provide!" "Damn, that was a convoluted sentence, Mr. Demon!" "Oh, shut up, traveller." The gate swung open, and Herman ran toward the PiThaGEDIH at full speed. Suddenly, he heard music, and remembered the big flying thing. It landed directly in front of him -- it was a one-eyed, one-horned, flying purple people eater. Playing the bagpipes. And it looked rather hungry. (goto 10) 15. Herman turned to Sainr Petet. "YOU BASTARD!", he screamed, and started to throw punches. "Oh, Herman, you're a meanie!", yelled Petet, who promptly began hitting Herman with his rubber chicken. Very slowly, and over the course of what seemed like weeks, Petet managed to beat Herman to redeath by means of that rubber chicken. Herman's last thought was "rubber." (goto 23) 16. He grabbed the pencil eraser and tossed it at the people eater. "TAKE THAT, FOUL MUSICIAN!", he yelled. The people eater shrunk back in horror, dropping its harmonica (damn!, thought Herman: I've heard of musical chairs, but never musical INSTRUMENTS). As the people eater imploded upon itself, Herman realized that he had succeeded in killing it, and was now sure to have something very special happen to him. Unfortunately, the uncontrollable urge to do an obnoxious victory dance overtook him, and he found himself stumbling into the rather large crater nearby. It didn't seem to have a bottom. Oh wait, yes it did. THUMP. (goto 24) 17. He picked up the frying pan and attempted to slam the people eater over the head with it. He then realized that it's a one-eyed one-horned FLYING purple people eater. So he tried to THROW the pan at it. He missed. The purple people eater ate very well that day. (goto 23) 18. He quickly retrieved and put on the Martin Lawrence mask. Thinking quickly, he stared right at the people eater and said, "Can't we all just... get along?" The people eater came to a dead stop, and appeared to be pondering the question. A few seconds later, it uttered a distinct "no," and whapped Herman into the rather large crater nearby with its tail. Herman was falling for a VERY long time. He actually fell asleep, woke up, got married, had kids, put his kids through college, and got his dream job before he hit bottom with a distinct "whud." He concluded that he must have been dreaming. Then he fell unconscious. (goto 24) 19. Herman ran over to the trampoline and jumped onto it with all of his might. He bounced far higher than should've been possible. He felt almost as if he was going to fly right out of Hell. Then he noticed that he was descending, and was heading straight for the PiThaGEDIH. What should Herman do? (if let himself fall into PiThaGEDIH, goto 24) (if veer his body away from doom, goto 25) 20. Herman approached the leaning tramp. "Howdy, ma'am. Can you help me get out of here?" The woman just stared at him. After a few moments, she spoke. "Do something," she said. What should Herman do? (if attack her, goto 26) (if kiss her, goto 27) (if shake her violently, goto 28) (if try to punch out Petet, goto 15) 21. Herman agreed to let the concierge kill him. The concierge smiled, and retrieved a large silver shovel covered with small hotel soaps. "Obscure reference?", he asked. The concierge nodded. Herman was then killed -- somehow. His last thought was, "what the hell just happened?!" (goto 23) 22. Herman promptly melted. (goto 23) 23. He woke with a start, only to realize that he was once again at the gate to Inner Hell, surrounded by the three hotels, with Sainr Petet nearby, smiling contentedly. What should Herman do? (if go to the first hotel, goto 11) (if go to the second hotel, goto 12) (if go to the third hotel, goto 13) (if try to go to the PiThaGEDIH area, goto 14) (if try to punch out Petet, goto 15) 24. He... survived the fall? Didn't seem possible, but he woke up, and he was at the bottom of the huge crater. In front of him were merely two items of interest: a big pit with funky purple liquid in it, and some sort of odd machine. There was a sign there, in English (for your convenience): "Welcome to the end. You have two choices now. You can jump into the Pit of Funky Purple Stuff, or PoFPS, which will very suddenly throw you into an eternity of unpleasant afterlifeness, thus ending this little pointless journey. Or, you can hop into this time machine, where you will be returned to a point in time only a few moments before your demise. You won't remember any of this, however, and you're still going to die no matter what you do, but hey, maybe you'll make different decisions the second time around. It's actually kind of pointless to hop into the time machine, unless of course you believe that somebody is being entertained by exploiting your trip through Hell -- maybe following along and getting a big laugh out of it or something -- but what kind of stupid thought is that?! Anyway, make your choice." Damn, that was a big sign. What should Herman do? (if jump into the time machine, goto 1) (if jump into the PoFPS, goto 29) 25. By flinging his arms wildly, Herman managed to JUST BARELY avoid falling into the PiThaGEDIH. Unfortunately, he landed right at the feet of a one-eyed one-horned flying purple people eater -- playing the banjo. (goto 10) 26. "No, that's not what I wanted you to do. Too bad!" Herman suddenly found his skin melting. "Damn, I hate when that happens." He passed out. (goto 23) 27. Herman kissed her. Wow. What a stupid move. (goto 26) 28. Herman shook her violently. She smiled. "Aw yeah, THAT'S what I needed. OK, you ready to get out of here?" Herman nodded. He was promptly punched in the stomach, whereupon he found himself flying through the air. He landed near the PiThaGEDIH, and noticed with dismay that the flying creature he had seen was descending. It was a one-eyed one- horned flying purple people eater -- playing a portable Casio harpsichord. (goto 10) 29. He leapt into the purple goo. As he found himself being cast out into oblivion, he thought to himself, "damn, this would make a great Choose Your Own Adventure book." It was then that a copy of this very story fell onto his head. For the rest of eternity, this is all he would have to keep him entertained. It's all he really needed, too. For you see, Herman wasn't just a jackass, he was a MINIMALIST jackass. The End.