The Happy Christian Couple's Story Thomas Lipschultz 9/2/00 An older couple was returning to their house in Ohio one day in their German-built two-seater station wagon. Their names were Fritz and Roger. Let's assume Roger is female, because Roger wears makeup and does all the cooking and cleaning. Are there any objections? Anyway, this couple was returning home for the sake of their religion. They needed to pray to the tree gods (in Jesus's name, of course) before the moon came out. But this happy completely not unusual Christian heterosexual couple ran into a slight dilemma. Or, rather, ran out of a slight dilemma, though I guess gas isn't a dilemma, but rather the cause of a dilemma when it runs out, rather. The Volkstationwagen stopped dead in the middle of the road, and was immediately rear-ended by a hearse carrying a peacefully sleeping Woody Allen in a box. Fritz and Roger were very upset by this unfortunate turn of events, at which point they removed themselves, unharmed, from their mangled automobile. The driver of the hearse, however, whom we will merely call "Roseanne", was not amused. The events which followed were not pleasant. Roseanne removed a metal L-shaped object with some sort of toggle contained in the angle, and began triggering this object over and over again, with it pointed at Fritz's head. At this point, Fritz removed a similar object from his pants pocket, and began triggering it as well. Eventually, Roseanne decided to fall over and spill ketchup from her head, whereas Fritz only had a little splash of ketchup on his shoulder due to Roseanne's poor usage of her instrument. Roger studied the situation carefully. "Oh dear, we've caused this person whose name I decree shall be 'assailant' to fall over and spill ketchup from her head! This could make her sad. Let's give her a ride to the nearby bridge -- maybe she'll like that -- and see if she might enjoy diving into the water!" Fritz liked this idea, so the older couple helped Roseanne into the sealed bed where Woody Allen was sleeping (being careful not to wake him, of course), then proceeded to drive their friend's car to the bridge. Thinking that perhaps they might like to take their bed with them so they could sleep after their refreshing dive, the older couple decided to throw the bed and both of its occupants (one under the covers, one on top of the covers, so as to remain decent) into the water. "We should throw them in, since they are very tired and probably wouldn't enjoy jumping," said Fritz. After helping Roseanne and Woody Allen into the river, the two drove off in the hearse, and finally made it home with very little time to spare. They parked the car in a small space in a pleasant red parking lot where each space was marked "TNT", because we all know how pleasant Turner Network Television is. They decided that they would remodel the car later, during a fireworks display. But now, they needed to worship the tree gods in Jesus's name as soon as possible -- the moon had almost begun to show itself! So they hurried to their humble church in the woods, which was so humble it didn't even have walls or any distinct markings beside the holy insignia on the ground. At this point, Fritz gave Roger a pleasant married- person kiss, and Roger thanked him for agreeing to do what he had agreed to do. They had a pleasant time getting to know one another better for a few minutes, and following that, Roger decided that Fritz was too cold, so he started a fire. He prayed in the name of Jesus again, and Fritz wasn't cold for much longer. Soon, he was peacefully sleeping like Woody Allen. And so ends the story of this happy older couple, who went on to enjoy a long and prosperous life together. The end.