Where have all the seniors gone? Each year on this campus, we're blessed with a group of people called "seniors". Then, the following year, they're nowhere to be found, or else their images return for a fleeting "visit", in which they always seem just out of reach. The Suits all say that they "graduated". But this is a blatant lie. The truth is, I killed them all. Yeah, I know, it sounds farfetched. But hear me out! I can explain all of the glaring inconsistancies in this claim. First of all, many have asked me what the "graduation ceremony" is, if in fact the "graduation" itself is a class genocide ritual. It is, to put it bluntly, an advance- funeral. The "seniors" of Ursinus College are killed shortly after this funeral takes place, in a scary (and ultra- violent) bloodbath. The corpses are then quickly disintegrated by Ursinus College staff (under the supervision of Dr. Nagy), and the lifeless dust produced is used to build Student Dopplegangers, also known as "employees". These "employees" are then stripped of all typical college traits and given specific biological codes allowing them to perform specified functions in the "real world". Whenever an Ursinus "alumnus" returns to campus, it is actually that student's "employee" form which is returning. Some students will even admit to being an "employee" if asked! Now, you must be wondering how *I* fit into all of this. Well, I'm the Ursinus College Campus Killer, or UCCK. I've been here since the founding of this campus, and will be here until the end of its reign. I may take the form of a student here, but in reality, I have never aged, and my form has always been like the one you see now. Ask any "employee" who has "graduated" from Ursinus, and he or she will confirm that there was a "silly man with hair" present during all four (or possibly five) years at this college. I take many names, so don't try to identify me by title. No one will remember me as a name. Everyone will remember me as a "silly man with hair". So now you know the truth. Don't ask me why I told you. I really don't know. I suppose I just wanted to let you know what you have to look forward to upon "graduation". Enjoy your "employment", everyone.