Forgive Us Our Debates, as We Forgive our Debators
-- a play by Thomas Lipschultz


CAST:

Thomas Jefferson (Tom)
Stephen Douglas (Steve)
Abraham Lincoln (Abe)
Frederick Douglass (Fred)
Chief Justice Taney (Tan)
Lab Assistant Cletus (Clet)
Dr. David Day (Dave)
Cigarette-Smoking Man (CSM)
Dorothy (Dor)
Toto (Toto)

SETTINGS:

Act one: Kansas. Outside.
Act two: Inside a snazzy-looking lab in the Arizona desert.
Act three: Same lab, with everyone gathered around a table.
Act four: Hell.































-=* ACT ONE *=-
DOR: <skipping along the road> Oh, what a lovely day!
TOTO: <walking alongside her> Bark! Bark!
DOR: <laughs> Oh, what a funny joke, Toto! I swear, if you
     could talk, you'd be ever so jolly!
  <whirring sound: wind picks up>
DOR: Oh my, what a strong wind!
TOTO: Bark! Bark!
DOR: <laughs harder> By gosh by golly, you sure are jolly!
     Even with the approaching tornado, you can crack jokes!
TOTO: Bark? Bark?
DOR: Why yes, there's a tornado coming. See it? It's right
     over --
  <Dorothy is interrupted. Characters are blown offstage by
   tornado winds.>

-=* ACT TWO *=-
CLET: <standing on the other side of the room from CSM and
      Dave> A-hyuk! Shud I flick this'ere switch, master?
CSM: <in a quiet and deepthroated voice> Yes. Please do.
CLET: Hya-hyuk! <flicks switch>
  <The room is ablaze with light. When the light dies down,
   Abe, Tom, Fred, and Steve are in the center of the room,
   on a large circular platform.>
ABE: Good heavens! Where in the name of my beard --
TOM: WAHOO! What a rush!
FRED: What do you want with Frederick Douglass, foul fiends
      of evil?!
STEVE: Whoa, your last name is Douglas too? Any relation to
       me? My name's Stephen, but my friends call me Steve.
FRED: I assure you, there is no relation. Not to my
      knowledge, anyway.
ABE: Introduce yourselves! All of you! Let us know our
     aggressors' names!
TOM: I'm Thomas Jefferson. EVERYONE knows me.
ABE: You're dead, aren't you?
TOM: Do I LOOK dead?!
ABE: No, you don't. I'm Abraham Lincoln.
STEVE: Stephen Douglas. No relation to this guy. <points to
       Fred>
FRED: I've already introduced myself, but allow me to repeat
      my name. I am known as --
  <Another flash of light. Dorothy and Toto appear.>
DOR: Wow! Wait'll the National Weather Service hears about
     THIS! <looks around> Um... Toto... we're not in Kansas
     anymore, Toto...
DAVE: <loudly> The Wizard of Oz.
DOR: Huh?
TOTO: No, we most assuredly are NOT in Kansas anymore,
      mistress Dorothy. We are in a putrid cesspool more
      insatiably evil than life itself. Our own personal hell
      on Earth.
DOR: You can talk? My jolly dog can talk?
TOTO: Talk, yes. Jolly, no. I am the incarnation of the very
      fabric of deceit, where lies and hurt feelings comprise
      the air we breathe and the soil we walk upon.
DOR: Um... yeah. <pause> But you can TALK!
TOTO: <sighs> Yes, mistress Dorothy. I can talk.
CSM: <suddenly> NOW!
  <Cletus pulls down a lever. Another flash of light. When it
   subsides, Taney is in the center with everyone else, and
   CSM is gone.>
TAN: Ooooooooh momma that was trippy. <pause> Say, where am
     I?
ABE: Precisely what WE'D like to know.
TOM: And where'd that spooky cigarette-smoking guy go?
DOR: I dunno... the truth is out there, though!
DAVE: <loudly> The X-Files.
DOR: Precisely!
CSM: <walking in> Actually, I just went to the can. Haven't
     gone since breakfast, you know.
FRED: That was a bit more information than we required.
CSM: Yes, well... <pause> Now that you're all here, permit me
     to introduce myself. I am --
  <crash of thunder>
STEVE: What?
CSM: I said, I am --
  <crash of thunder>
STEVE: Um... OK.
CLET: A-hyuk! Mah narm is CLETUS! Cletus the slack-jawed
      yokel!
DAVE: <loudly> The Simpsons.
DOR: Dorothy Gale.
TOTO: Toto. Unaffiliated with the band that performed the
      song "Africa," I assure you.
CSM: THAT'S a relief.
TAN: Chief Justice Taney.
FRED: Fre --
STEVE: We've already introduced ourselves. No sense in doing
       so again.
  <Pause. Everyone starts to look at David Day.>
TOM: And you are?
  <no answer>
STEVE: Hello? Anybody home in that skull of yours?
CSM: He only cites quotes. He says nothing else.
ABE: OK then... <Takes a diary out from his coat. Begins to
     write every word he says for the remainder of this
     line.> Write down who you are as the title of this
     book, then cite this quote for me. Here's a big black
     marker. <Hands Dave a marker.>
DAVE: <writes onto the book cover as he speaks> I am David
      Day, Politics Professor at Ursinus College. <stops
      writing> Page 1. <hands marker back to Abe>
CSM: I've brought you all here for a reason -- well, except
     you, Taney. Cletus flicked the wrong lever. I meant to
     bring John Hancock here. But that's all water
     under the bridge now. Anyway, I want you all to discuss
     a few documents with me...
-=* ACT THREE *=- (educational content begins here)
CSM: <as the lights fade in> ...so that's the story. Our
     Constitution, as well as the Declaration of
     Independence, have come under serious scrutiny as of
     late, and we wanted to resolve the issues once and for
     all.
TOM: Why didn't you just bring ME here, then? I wrote the
     Declaration, after all...
CSM: Ah, but did you write the Constitution?
TOM: Eh, ya' got me there.
CSM: But since we're on the subject of the Declaration,
     what's up with the whole slavery thing -- what EXACTLY
     did you mean?
TOM: Gee, you know, I don't remember. The whole time travel
     thing must've messed with my noggin. It feels as if I'm
     seeing things from the perspective of another Thomas...
TOTO: Preposterous! Our souls each exist within their own
      solitary vacuums, each just as desolate as the others,
      but none sharing the same properties as any other. To
      see things from the perspective of another, especially
      under the same-name pretense, is absurd.
TOM: No one asked you, buttmunch.
TOTO: I resent that! <pause> Besides, buttmunching is a
      common activity in my species.
  <dramatic pause>
TOM: ... Yes.
ABE: Getting back to the subject, did you truly mean ALL MEN
     when you wrote that "all Men are created equal," and are
     "endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable
     Rights?"
DAVE: Declaration of Independence; American Political
      Rhetoric (APR), p.1.
TOM: <looks around worriedly> Um... no, I meant free men.
     Slaves are not equals, by any means.
FRED: Oh?
TOM: Well...
TAN: It's foolish to think they are. Slaves are property.
     They should never be "thought of or spoken of except as
     property."
DAVE: Dred Scott v. Sandford, p.722.
CSM: I consider Cletus my equal.
CLET: Hya-hyuk, hya-hyuk! Garsh, thanks --
  <crash of thunder>
CSM: Don't mention it.
FRED: Be honest, Mr. Jefferson.
ABE: Yes, please do. I believe slaves to be my equals, and I
     won the presidency because I opted to promote the
     freeing of black slaves on a national basis.
TOM: You're... uh... very ignorant then, Mr. Lincoln.
TAN: I concur.
FRED: Look deep within your heart, Tom. Is that really the
      answer you want to give?
TOM: Well...
DOR: I come from an ambiguously defined "modern day" period,
     and slavery has been abolished for a long time. Blacks
     and whites live together, and do the same jobs, and
     although I can't claim that there is no more racial
     prejudice, everyone seems pretty equal to me...
TOM: Well... <pause> the truth is, I meant ALL men, but
     feared for public opinion of me.
FRED: Aha! I suspected as much!
TAN: Fools! You're all fools! Slaves are property -- the
     Constitution deems it so!
ABE: "When [citizens] remind us of their constitutional
     rights, I acknowledge them, not grudgingly, but fully,
     and fairly ... But all this, to my judgment, furnishes
     no more excuse for permitting slavery to go in our free
     territory, than it would be reviving the African slave
     trade by law."
DAVE: Speech on repeal of the Missouri Compromise; APR,
      pp.65-66.
ABE: The Constitution was written when slavery was still an
     acceptable practice, was it not?
TAN: Was it ever otherwise?
ABE: Dear friend, to hold another human being in regard lower
     than oneself is certainly not something anyone would
     stand for for long. Slavery was destined to fail from
     the moment it began.
TAN: But the Constitution --
TOM: -- is paper. Sheets of paper. It was written for public
     support, for without it, the whole purpose of a
     Constitution would fail.
FRED: Ah, that's more the Jefferson I thought you were!
ABE: "The thing is hid away, in the constitution, just as an
     afflicted man hides away a wen or a cancer, which he
     dares not cut out at once, lest he bleed to death."
DAVE: Speech on repeal of the Missouri Compromise; APR, p.69.
STEVE: So you're saying that the Constitution, from which I
       based all of my decisions to aid slavery, really
       DOESN'T condone it?
FRED: "Abolish slavery tomorrow, and not a sentence or a
      syllable of the Constitution need be altered."
DAVE: Address for the Promotion of Colored Enlistment; APR,
      p.70.
TOM: More or less. The Constitution would've been a bit
     clearer if situations in the country were ideal when
     it was written.
TOTO: That sounds rather like a cop-out, Mr. Jefferson. If
      the U.S. were any sort of trailblazer, it would've
      ended the horror of slavery long before it did.
ABE: The dog has a point.
TOM: If slavery ended with the Constitution, then the U.S.
     would've ended there too. Don't you see? As I said
     before, without public support, the Constitution is
     nothing -- and if opposing slavery, the Constitution
     would lose public support!
TAN: Which is precisely why it was written as it was. People
     LIKE slavery. They enjoy owning slaves, for slaves are
     a commodity of the world, just like ice-cream and
     hammers.
FRED: Speak for yourself, Taney. I've been struggling all my
      life to gain any degree of freedom I could find. I saw
      my mother beaten and whipped, and I was used like an
      animal. I killed my master and escaped for my freedom!
TAN: Then you deserve death as well.
ABE: He deserves a MEDAL, Mr. Taney.
TAN: Pish-posh! He broke a Constitutional law: "No [slave]
     ... in one state ... escaping into another, shall, in
     consequence of any law or regulation therein, be
     discharged from such service or labour, but shall be
     delivered up on claim of the party to whom such service
     or labour may be due."
DAVE: Constitution; APR, p.61.
TAN: By all laws, you should be delivered to your old
     master's next of kin, Mr. Douglass!
FRED: Don't make me kick your ass, Mr. Taney.
TOM: People in my time may like having slaves, but deep in
     their hearts, they know it's wrong to control another
     human being, and they know it won't last.
DOR: You mean "didn't last."
TOTO: Actually, since this meeting has been held, the entire
      course of time has been altered, and our cesspool of
      life may become a smelly brine, to wither and die in
      the sun.
CSM: Don't worry, I'll see to it that that doesn't happen.
TOTO: You? A mere mortal? Bah!
STEVE: The Constitution may have been written with ulterior
       motives, as Mr. Jefferson suggests it was, but that
       does not change the fact that it WAS written in favor
       of slavery. I agree that slavery is a very sensitive
       subject, and there ARE moral issues attached to it,
       but nonetheless, our country is built around a
       Constitution, and that document legally allows for
       slavery, so therefore NO ONE can legally dictate that
       slavery should be abolished.
ABE: But I do it all the time, Steve. You of all people know
     that. And you have to admit, I have some damn good
     points!
STEVE: True, true. But that doesn't change what's written.
TAN: He's got ya' there, Mr. Lincoln!
TOM: It is true that the written word may be the final
     fallback for those of you with pro-slavery attitudes,
     and there's nothing in what you're saying that's
     technically incorrect. But morality supercedes the
     written word, gentlemen. As Mr. Lincoln has shown us,
     the citizens of our wonderful country may enjoy slavery,
     but deep down, it's obvious that they strive for
     emancipation. Otherwise, would he have been elected?
STEVE: Ah, the dead one makes a good point! Curses!
ABE: Thank you, Mr. Jefferson. I always knew you were a
     decent man. Now you've proven it to me.
TAN: We have the RIGHT to slavery, Mr. Lincoln. No moral
     issue can infringe upon my Constitutional rights.
ABE: If it's the written word you're after, then so be it:
     "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of
     these Ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or
     abolish it, and to institute new Government ...
     organizing its Powers in such Form, as to them shall
     seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness."
DAVE: Declaration; APR, p.2.  TAN: Bah, rubbish. Slavery is
      destructive of NO ends.
ABE: We are guaranteed "Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of
     Happiness." These are the ends in question.
DAVE: Declaration; APR, p.1.
ABE: And slavery is destructive of the pursuit of happiness.
     At least, for the black populace.
TAN: More rubbish. Those "ends" don't apply to merchandise.
FRED: Do I look like merchandise to you?
TAN: Most definitely.
FRED: Then I'll see you in Hell, punk...
DOR: ...from Heaven!
DAVE: The Simpsons.
CLET: A-hyuk! Shucks, you guys've been real halpful. Now back
      y'all go!
CSM: But first, I need to erase your memories. Look into the
     light, everyone...
  <CSM turns on a flashlight. Everyone looks at the light.>
FRED: <turning away> Ow! My eyes!
STEVE: <turning away> Damn, man, that's just a flashlight!
CSM: <blushing> Oops, silly me! Now where did I put that
     memory erasure light... <digs around in his coat> Ah!
     HERE it is! <flashes memory erasure light>
  <Everyone looks confused, and staggers a bit. Cletus flicks
   a lever, and the room lights up. When the light subsides,
   all of the arrivals are gone -- except for Dorothy and
   Toto, whom CSM hurriedly pushes backstage when the lights
   subside. Fade to black.>

-=* ACT FOUR *=-
TAN: Damn, it sure is hot down here!
FRED: <entering> Hello!
TAN: F... Frederick Douglass?
FRED: Toldja I'd see you here, punk.
TAN: But... but why are YOU here?
FRED: Just visiting you. Can't get into Heaven unless I keep
      my word, you know. And I promised to see you in Hell.
      So here I am. Bye now! <leaves>
  <dramatic pause>
TAN: D'oh!
  <exeunt>

** FIN **